By Hannah Dorsher
Navigating the world of relationships can sometimes feel like trying to find your way through a maze in the dark. Each turn and decision is influenced by the bonds we formed early in life. That’s where attachment theory comes into play, offering a flashlight to help us see the patterns in our relationships.
As an attachment-based therapist, I’ve seen firsthand how one particular style, anxious attachment, can impact individuals and their connections with others. So, if you’ve ever found yourself worrying more about your relationships than you’d like or curious about attachment dynamics, you’re in the right place. This blog is about shedding light on what is anxious attachment, how it manifests, and, most importantly, what you can do about it.
Understanding Attachment Theory
Attachment theory delves into the crucial early bonds between children and their caregivers, proposing that these foundational relationships influence our interactions, expectations, behaviors, and emotional dynamics in adulthood. It identifies various attachment styles, with anxious attachment being one of the primary types recognized for its significant impact on personal relationships.
What is Anxious Attachment?
Anxious attachment develops from early life experiences where the level of support and responsiveness from caregivers varied, leading to a child’s uncertainty about their availability or affection. This upbringing leads to an adult who craves closeness and reassurance but is also plagued with a deep-seated fear of rejection or abandonment.
Individuals with this attachment style might constantly worry about their worthiness of love and dread the possibility of it being withdrawn. In adult relationships, anxious attachment often manifests as:
- A strong fear of rejection: Even minor signs of disinterest from a partner can trigger deep anxiety.
- Needing constant reassurance: Seeking frequent validation from partners to quell insecurities.
- Difficulty trusting in the stability of relationships: A continuous cycle of doubt and questioning makes it hard to feel secure.
- Sensitivity to partners’ moods: Interpreting any change in a partner’s mood or behavior as a reflection of their feelings towards them.
- Clinginess: An overwhelming desire to maintain physical and emotional closeness to alleviate fears of being alone or abandoned.
Originally, this attachment style served as a survival strategy in childhood, aiming to ensure the closeness and attention of caregivers. However, in adulthood, it transforms into a pattern of persistent worry about the security and reciprocation of love and acceptance in relationships.
Understanding these symptoms and their origin is the first step toward addressing anxious attachment and moving toward healthier, more secure relationships.
The Impact of Anxious Attachment
Dating and Relationships
When it comes to dating and relationships, anxious attachment can feel like being on a seesaw of emotions. One moment, everything seems perfect, and the next, panic sets in at the slightest hint of distance. This intensity can lead to patterns where the individual either clings too tightly, fearing loss, or sabotages relationships to avoid potential pain. Recognizing these patterns is crucial in developing healthier approaches to dating and maintaining relationships.
Marriage
In marriage, anxious attachment can manifest as a constant need for validation and fear of being left. It might lead to conflicts, as one partner struggles with insecurities and the other with the pressure of providing endless reassurance. However, couples can navigate these challenges through open communication and mutual understanding, fostering a stronger, more empathetic bond.
Parenting
As parents, the shadow of anxious attachment can loom large, influencing how one relates to their children. The fear of repeating cycles and the desire to be the perfect parent can be overwhelming. This might lead to overprotectiveness or hypersensitivity to a child’s needs, potentially stifling their independence and self-exploration. Yet, by acknowledging these fears and striving for balanced, secure attachments, parents can offer their children a foundation of confidence and stability, encouraging them to grow into resilient and emotionally healthy adults.
What to Do About Anxious Attachment
Self-awareness and Understanding
Realizing you might have an anxious attachment style is a big and sometimes tough step. It’s about gently digging into your emotions and reactions, recognizing they come from past experiences where you were looking for security. Becoming aware of this is your first step towards making a change.
Communication Skills
Getting better at communication isn’t just about communicating your needs but also listening to your partners’. It’s creating a space where you can both share your vulnerabilities without being scared and where reassurance flows easily. Using methods like reflective listening and saying things starting with “I feel” can help close the distance, making both of you feel more understood and supported.
Building Security
Finding a sense of security in yourself is like putting down a strong, inner anchor. Practices like being mindful, being kind to yourself, and seeking therapy can strengthen this inner sense of safety. As you keep working on yourself, this can change how you relate to others, moving from an anxious attachment style to a more secure and trusting one.
Healing Anxious Attachment: Navigate Relationships with Insight and Courage
Acknowledging and addressing anxious attachment isn’t a journey you have to undertake alone. It requires courage, compassion, and, sometimes, a helping hand. If you’ve seen reflections of yourself in this discussion, know that there’s a path forward—a way to forge deeper, more secure connections with those you love.
As a therapist in Fort Collins, I’m here to walk this path with you. Support is available whether you prefer the convenience of virtual therapy in Colorado and Florida or the personalized touch of in-person attachment therapy in Fort Collins, CO. Together, we can work towards understanding your attachment style, improving your relationships, and building a more secure, confident you.
About the Author
Hannah Dorsher, MA, LPC, NCC, CAT, EMDR is a Therapist and Relationship & Attachment Coach in Fort Collins, CO who specializes in helping those struggling with anxiety, self-esteem, toxic/unhealthy relationships, anxious attachment issues, break ups, and trauma. I provide therapy with clients in CO and FL, and I provide attachment coaching for dating, marriage & motherhood to clients across the globe!! Schedule a free coaching consultation call with me here!
